How To Get A Walrus On A Moped

Walruses and mopeds are two very different beasts.

Let me take you to lunchtime three weeks ago when a friend of mine (let’s call him Dave) and I had the following conversation:

Dave: Would you know how to get a walrus on a moped?

Me: What the actual f***!?

Dave: You heard. Any suggestions?

Me: I don’t know. A forklift maybe…

Dave: Haha. Just f***ing with you.

Me: Son of a b****!

Dave: Kronchflong!

This inane conversation got me to thinking about what I would actually do if the situation ever arose in which I did need to get a walrus on a moped.

Of course, in the first instance, the moped would have to be adjusted to take account of the sheer size and weight of the walrus.

The suspension would need strengthened and the engine replaced to one with a higher power rating. In addition, the seating would need to be enlarged to cater for the vast size of the creature.

One could say, with all the replacement parts, one would be better off trading in ones moped for a flatbed truck.

Or speedboat.

And then comes to the issue of actually transferring the walrus onto the modified moped.

My original instinctual answer of using a forklift is actually quite a reasonable suggestion. Or maybe a hoist could be used to lift and lower the walrus onto the seat.

But perhaps the most difficult part of the problem is explaining why the f*** you would actually want to get a walrus onto a moped in the first place.

I can count the possible reasons on one hand. And it’s zero.

So if you’re considering how to get a walrus on a moped, I’d urge you to think about your reasons for doing so beforehand.

Peace and love.